The Mirror
“So what do you actually do in CGA?”
I’ve gotten this question many times from friends and family, and the answer is usually…it’s hard to tell you. It’s a whole lot easier to show you. So today I want to invite you into the things I’ve been processing this last week.
At CGA we believe that good leadership always starts with yourself. Leadership has a progression: you have to start by knowing yourself, then leading yourself, and only then can you begin to lead others. We’re beginning the semester by seeking to know ourselves better—both the good and beautiful parts of who we are as well as the pain and brokenness within ourselves that we often don’t confront.
Two weeks ago, my class showed up to CGA and were told to go outside and follow the instructions given to us. All 19 of us stepped out the door and found an assortment of unusual objects outside. There were hula hoops, a large loop of rope, pool towels, small blocks of wood, and bandanas. We gathered in a circle, and our lead instructor Ben dropped a packet of papers into the center of the circle and told us “your time starts now.”
My friend Joe stepped up and began reading off the papers. There were several “team-building exercises” to be completed within 45 minutes, but the instructions were incredibly vague and difficult to interpret with no other instruction. What followed was a series of incredible mishaps, miscommunications, and a whole lot of emotional frustration from everyone involved. We had unusual tasks, like flipping over a towel while a group of 6 stood on top of it, or making a square out of rope while everyone involved is blindfolded. Each one of us had our own definition of how things ought to be done.
When the 45 minutes had passed, the 6 exercises had not been completed, and we walked back inside for a debrief. We talked about the deeper meaning behind these tasks—why each of us felt frustration, or shame at the fact that we’d failed. We tore apart our different communication styles, talking about why those of us with loud voices (*ahem* ME) chose to speak over those with quiet voices. Ultimately, we discussed failure. We talked through what each of us felt when told we failed at completing the exercises, or when told we failed at communicating effectively with the team. We talked through why we’re afraid of failing, and why we try to dodge failure even when it’s right in front of us.
That day brought up a lot in each of our hearts. For me, that looked like wrestling with loving the way God made me. Why, I kept asking myself, would God have given me the loud voice he did when he knew that it would hurt other people? How could my voice still be a good thing when it causes me to hurt those around me?
My insecurity about my character rose up before my eyes after this conversation. All weekend, I struggled with the question of where God’s love for me comes from—why he chooses to love me? Does God love me because it’s his character to love? How could he love me when I’m clearly so broken? Is it purely because I’m made in his image that he loves me, and if so, doesn’t that mean he really just loves himself? If God only loves the part of me that looks like him, then does he really love me? How could God love me, if my heart is as dark as it seems?
This question came to a head this week in class. We were given a few processing questions and space to ask the Lord to speak into us. We were sent out for 30 minutes to ask the Lord what he thinks of us (and why he thinks that), what we truly believe about him (and why we believe that), and then ask him what truth we need to hold onto.
Boy, was I wrecked by what happened next. After we got back to class, Ben walked to the front of the room and dropped a mirror in front of us.
“You know what truth you need,” he said, “but you need to choose it for yourself. You can tell others all day what you heard from God, but it won’t matter until you believe it yourself. So in whatever time it takes, I need each of you to come to the front of the room, look yourself in the eyes, and speak to yourself whatever truth God gave you like you believe it.”
Immediately, I could feel my fists clenching up and my legs getting tense. A thick silence settled into the air as each of us turned toward our own doubts and demons.
No way I’m doing that in front of the class, I thought.
Too vulnerable.
Too scary.
I can’t share in front of them.
I was stuck. I knew I couldn’t move forward without doing this, but fear and shame had me glued to the chair. I could feel that tension building within me as tears began to stream down my face. I knew my classmates could see me crying, but I had no control over the pressure building up inside of me. I argued back and forth inside my head, trying to find an out. But it was no use; I was cornered.
Getting out of that seat was one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever done in front of a group. As I walked to the mirror I knew the words I would speak, but my hands were shaking. I froze again when I saw my face in the mirror. I looked like an animal in a cage. My eyes were hollow and fearful, and my hair fell in front of my face in streaks. I felt the words stick in my throat at the realization that I was truly seeingmyself. Finally, with a sticky, trembling voice I spoke the words I knew I needed:
“Joel, your heart…is good. And it’s worth loving.”
“You are already as beautiful as everything you wish you could become.”
I was back in my chair before I knew it, with rapid breathing and a pounding heart. I had done it. As my adrenaline faded I found an immense peace settling over me. Tears came again—not only because of the shame I was letting go of, but at the realization that up till this point I’d had no idea I still believed this lie. It was a day of breakthrough, a day of freedom.
I left that room feeling closer to God, to my own heart, and to those around me than I had in ages. It felt as if there was more air in the world to breathe, and I couldn’t believe my lungs hadn’t felt this free before.
That’s where good leadership has to start, though.
With walking through pain (not around it) with the Lord and letting him shape you through it.
With laying down everything I believe that is not from God and letting him give me his truth instead—and his truth is that I’m already perfect (even when I’m not), and that I was inherently good before I was inherently broken.
So what are we doing in CGA? We’re establishing the Kingdom in our own hearts first, because that’s the only way we’ll ever bring it to anyone else.
~Joel
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